Archive for January, 2020

Man, Act, Skin, Muscles, Muscular, Male, Body, Erotic

Three days before I left Phoenix Donna came into my dreams. It was like she poked her head up through the floor from down below and looked around in confusion. I had never seen her before and wondered how a new cycle could be starting when I was leaving Phoenix in a couple of days. This cycle was not like the others and lasted well over a year before its final conclusion. It just goes to show that these cycles had a mind of their own and I needed to trust in them.

So I headed back to Minnesota with my tail between my legs like a whipped puppy. I didn’t have a job, had been court ordered to pay $600/mo in child support and was struggling with a type of nervous breakdown. Actually it was the opposite of a nervous breakdown, but I was still far from being healthy enough to lead a normal life. My folks were kind enough to allow me to live back on the farm and said that I would always have a place to sleep and food to eat even though they would not help me in any other way. I was grateful because it was what I needed. I was a walking wound and hoped that if I worked hard enough on the healing process I would soon get  my act together.

I was literally having explosive dreams each and every night and I thought I would run out of engrams to burst through. I didn’t realize just how difficult this process really was. I chose to work on making myself healthy rather than finding a job and poured myself into the process. I shut myself up in my room and no one hardly ever saw me. I knew that my ex-wife was getting assistance from Social Services. I was just expected to pay it back. So my kids were all right for the moment…

This cycle with Donna was quite strange in many ways. She lived about two hundred miles away and came to visit my family with my cousin once every other month or so. I think she was really interested in my younger brother…and neither my cousin nor Donna ever showed any real interest in  me. So I never even got to have any real conversations with her. However the cycle continued on the astral like the others had, but became even more strange. There were times that I felt like I was inside of her and that she was inside of me. After one visit as she and my cousin were driving back home I was laying on my bed in an altered state and felt each chakra pop like a flash bulb going off and then I was pulled out of my body. There was a massive two inch diameter cord coming out the top of my head and it was connected to her in the car. The car pulled me along behind it like a balloon on a tether until I entered her, entered the ground and traveled back to the farm and my own body via the earth somehow.

I only share this to show just how unusual this all was. That an astral cord was coming out of my head indicated a crown chakra projection of some sort, but I had never heard of one that was not connected to me, but to someone else!

Now I had these strange soulmate cycles happening as well as the Great Abyss thing. Aleister Crowley was literally the only person that I knew of that had written of anything even close to what I was experiencing with his scarlet women cycles…I wondered if there was some type of connection. I studied the Golden Dawn material and read everything in print by Aleister Crowley. I even managed to get two copies of “The OTO Rituals and Sex Magick” a few years later. That book is extremely rare and worth several hundred dollars if you can find it. So I was interested in the OTO and in magick…

I got in contact with a group called SOTO which claimed to be an authentic Thelemic group that was a continuation of the Original OTO. Not surprisingly they wanted money. I was supposed to tithe 10% on my income to SOTO if I wanted to be a member. I told them I currently didn’t have any income. They said that was not a problem and I could pay later when I was working again. The first thing I needed to do was send them two passport type pictures, a front view of myself and a side view of myself. I went into one of those passport picture booths and got my pictures taken. There were actually three pictures, a front view, and two side views, one from each side. I sent all three on a whim.

A few nights later I woke up in the middle of the night with a horrible pain in my throat as if it had been slashed by a razor. In horror I could see that the left side of all three (I now had three astral bodies) astral bodies had been severed at my neck! Only my right side was intact! Obviously my pictures had been used in some type of initiation and obviously it had been botched…My astral head was supposed to have been severed from my astral body…but I still had my connection to Source! On the right side at least. It was several months before that wound healed on my left side.

I told them that I quit. They said that I couldn’t quit because I had already been initiated. I said I was quitting anyway. I experienced a massive magickal attack which I blocked with my connection to Source and returned it with a vengeance. I sensed a massive explosion on the other end and never heard from them again.

That year was a year of almost constant magickal attacks and I didn’t know why.  Now I know that my activity in the astral planes was messing with the magickal activity of others and they were trying to stop me so their own magick would go right. The entire question of magickal interference is dealt with quite simply. Don’t mess with those bigger than you! Because of my permanent connection with Source I was the biggest around, but no one knew that and needed to test me out. I’ve never lost an astral fight in all these years…

Now granted in the beginning I needed to rise up the planes often to stay safe, but I was unharmed…Later years I was able to go beneath others and ignore them. These days no one really bothers me any more…

One night I woke up to see tall Egyptian god images surrounding my bed…with the animal heads and all…don’t know what that was about.

I had several experiences of intense, almost unbearable pain in my throat…it was the forced awakening of the throat chakra of course…the development of the noble gas body of the element Argon and eight new points of awareness…the 5th density body that everyone talks about for Gaia’s ascension…

It was during these years that I experienced my most dangerous and difficult astral battle and someone died…actually it went like this…It was April 19, 1993 and I had a vision of police cars moving down a dusty road to some compound somewhere…The dream/vision shifted to my being suddenly attacked by this man. Neither one of us had any clothes…(lack of clothes indicates lack of power) but we both had knives and it turned into an ugly knife fight in which I was trying desperately to stay alive. We were very equal in strength and it was frightening to say the least. In the end I plunged my knife into his chest and felt the skin give way as it was punctured. He sagged against the wall, slid down and blood began pouring down out of the wound…end of fight…(usually in these type of battles the loser simply disappears)

The next morning I heard on the news that David Koresh had been killed/killed himself in the Waco Texas massacre at the Branch Davidian compound…I knew that was who I had been fighting but didn’t know why…


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Women, Light, Body, Young, Girl, Beautiful, Femininity

I was nearing my last three weeks in the Air Force and living in Phoenix. I continued my weekly Alanon meetings and support group activities where I met Martha. I was impressed with her during the meetings and loved chatting with her during the social period after the meetings. But I never really got to know her very well. It was just that out of a crowded room full of people she was the one that I was drawn to. That is how the energy works as it chooses whose energy is compatible with yours…

This was somewhat of a repeat of my cycle with Gail except that there was not as much power and the visions were not as graphic but more symbolic. For example, I never again had the vision of the baby being born with the umbilical cord still attached. But I had a vision of a baby. The vision of the created timeline or world was very symbolic as to include as much as possible but almost like an animated cartoon version of the circle of life. This cycle also went extremely fast and lasted only three weeks before it was done.

Again the vivid dreams of initial contact, astral sex, a new astral body and a created world or timeline. Again the sense of blended souls with the sense of her awareness poking around inside of me and me inside of her. Again the vision of the pretty colored stones that represented drugs…of energy surging through my body and blasting out engrams to clear energy channels. Again the sense of healing of old wounds and the illuminations as missing parts of the puzzle were added to my growing collection.

This new astral body had definite human features although it lacked color and the eyes were very dark. Of interest is that all of these bodies were visible to my “Watcher Self”. Also of interest is that this astral body was essentially genderless. While the form was in general male there were no sexual parts that I was aware of. My core self was able to observe these new astral bodies and at times animate them if it wanted to although I normally had a dual awareness of being in both at the same time.

In ascension terms this was the 6th density body created out of abstract mental energies or the noble gas body created out of Neon with eight sensory points of awareness. It was associated with the third eye chakra which had just been forcefully opened. The development of this astral body was the development of the third eye chakra after its initial opening.

I felt that my normal point of awareness was slipping down from the other side of the Great Abyss and moving into the mental levels. I felt despair that I was being pushed out of the Spiritual Light and that Source was pushing me away. In reality nothing could be further from the truth because my connection with Source was permanent and I was simply bringing the energy of Source back down to earth to assist in Gaia’s ascension. My task was to bring down the light and anchor it in the physical. I had become a light worker.

But my soul had changed polarity and an entire lifetime of striving upward toward Source had now changed to a striving back down to earth again…My focus changed from an interest in mystical and spiritual experiences to magical and occult experiences. I wanted to know more about my crossing of the Great Abyss and the only literature I could find on this subject was the Golden Dawn material and the writings of Aleister Crowley so I began reading that material. Remember this was back in 1991.

I also tried contacting the OTO to find out more about it but I ended up getting in touch with a group called SOTO instead which I will share more about in the next cycle. The point is that I was beginning to reach out to magickal groups.

I wrote to a local Gardnerian Wicca group hoping to find some contacts. That led to an unwelcome visitation that I will share. A few days after I sent out the letter I awoke in the middle of the night with the heavy weight of a shadowy figure kneeling upon my chest…In fright I did what just about anyone would do if they  could. I thought, “What the hell!” and used all the energy of my newly created astral bodies to push/blast it away. My astral self followed this visitor back to its home and I had a satisfied vision of someone kneeling on their bed puking from the returned threefold blast.

As I moved down into working with the philosophical energies I need to add that I was also studying Neo-Tech which was the direct opposite of what I had learned in my mystical approach to life through the Rosicrucian teachings. This branch of philosophy was a derivative of Ayn Rand’s Objectivism Philosophy and took it to new levels. It represented an entirely new type of thought that came directly from my blind spot…I soaked it up…


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Woman, Naked, Act, Skin, Art, Body, Female, Erotic

As I continue with my soulmate cycle experiences I will be not using actual names. I hope everyone will understand this…

These soulmate cycles have all seemed to have some things in common which I will try to identify. First, they were all propelled by my working twice daily with sexual orgasm energy as mentioned before.

The second requirement seems to have been my sharing of my emotional truth or story in a public setting. After enough people had taken in that energy and fed on it because it “spoke to them” I would then establish some form of contact with my soulmate for that chakra. In essence I would give of myself until the energy came back to me in the form of one person- my soulmate…

To be more specific, I received enough energy back from these people to activate a temporary astral body of collective energy. When this collective astral body became stable enough to become permanent I was led to contact with my chakra soulmate.

Typically this would be a dream in which I entered the home of my soulmate and the feeling would be of entering into another world or person’s world. Later there would be dreams of physical or sexual encounters, a touch, a kiss, actual astral sex. I might add that this is entirely natural and everyone experiences this within love relationships. In fact, I believe these cycles are totally natural and occur all the time. The difference is that for me they happened much faster and more forcefully because of the extreme energies which I was generating that drove the entire cycle.

At some point following astral sex an astral child would be born that would become my own permanently activated astral body of those particular chakra energies. The only way my soulmate could give birth to an astral child was if her own astral body was complete. So my energy always went to her until she was complete, then she would give birth to my new permanently activated astral body.

The final stage was the spontaneous creation of an entire new astral world or timeline in which she created this world from the essence of what I had given. So my soulmate not only gave birth to an astral body for me, but also created the new world in which we were both to live. The astral world or timeline that Gail created was beautiful beyond belief in which all things that existed were supportive aspects of all other things. We were all connected to all other living things. Where I was placed in this world and where she was placed within this world depended upon our individual karma. By this I mean that I wanted a physical relationship but she was already in a physical relationship that she was not willing to let go of. There was a sharp distinction between astral reality and physical reality.

This brings up a final point about the exclusiveness of these energies. Each of these soulmates were already in physical relationships that were missing something that was spiritual. That’s why they were attracted to me in the first place. For the duration of these cycles there was an intense magical duel as my own energy battled with and forcefully expelled this other male and his energies from the relationship until all that was left was my energy and hers. I will also add that each felt the physical relationship they were in was a soulmate relationship in the beginning but had become discontent and dissatisfied.

I mention this because it is important to understand the concept of magical celibacy. You don’t mix partners during these cycles. You don’t have physical sex but have astral sex. You don’t choose your soulmate, the energy itself brings you both together in it’s own way and creates bonds between the two of you that can’t be broken. It brings you both permanently activated astral bodies. You must let the energy find its own way and allow the natural conclusion of the cycle as well.

This is the true meaning behind the Holy Grail and witches magic cauldron and other mysteries of the divine feminine and the magical power of her womb.

I met Gail at a weekly Alanon support group in Phoenix as I was struggling with the things that were going on in my life. That first time I told my own story to the group it was extremely emotional and powerful and I was brought to tears as I shared my pain and suffering. I was also telling the story of many of the others as well and the entire group resonated powerfully to it. After the meeting they came up to shake my hand and give me a hug saying how moved they had been by what I had shared.

When Gail came up she offered her hand and before our fingers touched an electrical spark jumped about two inches between us and we both felt it. I chatted briefly with her during the social period after the meeting and hoped to see her at the next meeting. She had really made an impression on me and I wondered about the spark…

Gail was extremely intelligent, but also extremely flighty. She barely lived upon the earth plane and her conversation floated without focus from one topic to the next. It was pretty obvious that she had difficulty functioning in normal life and I was living in my own head as well. That was the real connection…She was only in Phoenix for a few days and taking part in some type of therapy for mental health. I never really got the details.

I dreamed about her that night and there were several dreams. The first was a sexual dream and the second was an extremely vivid dream of a baby being born which was still attached to her by an umbilical cord. I knew that I was that baby! I also knew that this was the second birth talked about in the Bible. I had been reborn! This was a sacred mystery…

From that point on I had a new astral body that was created out of pure energy or light. It was human shaped like a balloon without any features except two glowing eyes. This was my first permanently activated astral body. The ancient Egyptians called this body the BA…

I had been writing down all my insights in the development of the soul and the crossing of the Great Abyss as I’ve mentioned in other posts. The most sacred thing I had to share was the stages of soul development in the male and the opposite stages of soul development in the female which I had just discovered. I had used the degree format of the Golden Dawn to break each stage down into ten specific stages. I knew that if Gail would read this material it would help her to bring some structure to her own confused thoughts. So I brought my hand written copy to the next meeting for her to read.

I only met Gail three times and they were all at the weekly support group. She was fascinated with my outline of the stages of soul development and affirmed that what I had written about the female stages of soul development had resounded deeply for her, but that she felt some of the stages of male soul development seemed familiar to her as well. She felt that this material did help her place some structure to her mental environment and that it was very helpful. I never met her again.

I continued to have dream encounters in which her soul and my soul were merged in some fashion. In particular I remember a pile of beautiful colored pills which I understood to be medications that she was taking. I also re-experienced in dreams every time in my life that I had ever been beaten or high from drug use. These experiences had created engrams within my body and the energies were blowing through each and every one of these blockages at the soul level of my new astral body.

My Golden Dawn studies had also led me to the works of Aleister Crowley. He was the last Master of the Holy Kabbalah. I had a vivid dream of him leading me to a large book that was sitting closed on a pedestal. He motioned me to read it, so I grasped it firmly with both hands and opened it. He began to cackle and said that if I ever let go of the book I would die. I shouted “No!” and slammed the book closed. Immediately I felt my recently awakened connection to earth being destroyed by fire and this fire was consuming my astral cord. I felt that I would die if I couldn’t get away from the fire so I crossed the Great Abyss and hid in the embrace of Goddess as all that was left of me was destroyed…I was safe…That was my spiritual death and rebirth…



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Fantasy, Eyes, Forest, Aesthetic, Face, Portrait

There were several things that happened before the soul mate cycles started with the birth of my first permanently activated astral body. These things were very important and I don’t really remember in what order or relationship they stood to one another. But these things had an energy body of pure light that was shaped like a ball and not human shaped. My awareness was a point of light. Many mystics claim that after merging with Source they must plunge into hell…I feel this stage has been achieved by many in the past.

Shortly after my permanent shift of awareness across the Great Abyss my awareness seemed to be pulled down into a black hole or worm hole that led to the lowest level of the astral planes and existence. I saw that a new egregore was being established at the highest level of the astral planes and at the lowest levels. I also saw the old Kabbalah egregore which was not as high as the new one and not as deep as the new one. The new egregore consisted of Dewey Larson’s Reciprocal Systems theory about how all that exists is created from vibratory motion. It was also associated with Jakob Boehme’s “Throne of God” vision.

An interesting part of this vision was that I realized that I had overshot the mark by pushing my awareness much higher than this egregore. I could go higher, but others couldn’t and the egregore was for all life and all people. It needed to be reachable as a collective goal. I needed to adapt to this lower space and settle there in my awareness. It was still much higher than the Holy Kabbalah egregore and much lower than it as well.

Next was a spontaneous kundalini awakening that has never stopped its energy flow to this day. This happened shortly after I had begun working with sexual orgasm energy and felt it pooling in my pelvis area. I had been doing some yoga exercises to help circulate the energy and bent my body sideways to the left when an explosive force went up my spine and blew through the top of my head with such violence that I momentarily blacked out and my knees buckled, but I regained consciousness immediately and caught myself. This happened after I had successfully completed the energy ball meditation and had moved on to working with sexual orgasm energy as instructed by Mantak Chia in his book “Cultivating Male Sexual Energy”. These lower energies were intensely attracted to the higher energies and vice versa.

One day at work things went very badly and I was quite stressed when I went home at the end of the day. I felt a tight pressure around my forehead like an iron band. I felt a surge of anger and something “popped” in the middle of my forehead where my third eye was located. I sincerely thought I had burst a blood vessel and was frightened. But I could follow my own awareness as a point of energy and it shot outward to the far ends of the universe. I lay down on the sofa and continued “watching” this point of awareness as it circled back, entered into one testicle, moved up the entire right side of my body, exited the crown chakra and continued outward to the other side of the galaxy until it then came back, entered the left side of my body at the top of my head, spiraled through it completely and then exited through the left testicle where lost awareness of it. Energy flowing through one half of the body is common in stroke victims. I thought I might be having a stroke, but I wasn’t.

Later I was given a series of seven visions of the seven ages as my soul traveled back in time. These visions were of the evolution of life upon earth. One was a vision of the age of the dinosaurs and the violence that was life during those times. “The Way Of The Shaman” by Michael Harner mentions these series of visions as an important stage in the magical development of the Shaman. I was following the trail of my past lives through all the stages of life back to it’s original photon state as a divine spark.

For those paying attention to these posts my crown chakra and third eye chakra had both been forcefully opened…I had reclaimed my ancient past in the Shaman’s vision and had fully activated the Kundalini energy within my body…


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Gothic, Fantasy, Dark, Female, Witch, Fantasy Girl

“It hurts but it’s the right thing.” Was the only thing I could say to my psychologist about how I felt about my wife taking our kids and abandoning me in Phoenix. Luckily I had some money from my tax refund and spent it on Dianetics Book I auditing. I have a lot of respect for Dianetics and Scientology and think they are getting a bad rap. Having said that, it was a bit difficult to leave them once I was done with them…

After many hours of auditing I managed what is called a Dianetics Release, meaning that I had worked through the available material that was possible. This was not a clear by any means, but I needed some time before doing any more auditing. I had some money left so I took a few classes as well. It was all excellent material. I happen to have the full eighteen book set of Scientology books in my library and someday I hope to get through them all. They were given to me and I don’t have any clue how much money they represent but it must be a lot.

With the help of Book 1 auditing I was able to sort things out to where I understood that if something hurts it means there is something wrong! I was finally able to say that “I’m glad my wife is gone. It breaks my heart to be away from my children…”

Book 1 Dianetics auditing as far as I’m concerned is a derivative of Sigmund Freud’s free association which is a very powerful, but time consuming, therapy in it’s own right. Briefly stated in Book 1 auditing one sits quietly in a chair or couch and goes along the timeline back in memory to a painful memory or incident. You are asked to relive that incident as an observer and detail it over and over until there are no longer any emotions associated with it. At that point the memory moves from reactive memory into normal memory. Then you are asked to once more go back in time to an earlier memory in which you felt the same kind of pain and the process would begin all over again.

Repressed painful memories are trapped within the cells them selves and cause energy blockages within the human body. These blockages are called engrams and several painful memories are stacked one upon the other from oldest to the newest creating massive blockages of repressed emotional energy which can cause stress as well as all types of illness. The basic idea is to get back to the original engram and release the trapped emotional energy so that it becomes free energy that can be used by the body for other constructive things. I’ve already mentioned how astral activity on the lower levels requires enormous amounts of energy and you can never have enough. This is how Scientologists free up existing energy…

I would have continued with Scientology except I discovered something even better…Using tantric sex practices soon proved that two drawn out orgasms per day automatically blasted through engrams with such power that it was almost violent! The reason that I continued working with sexual orgasm energy twice a day for seven years was simply because of the way it was blasting through these engrams or pockets of repressed emotional energy! I was healing old wounds…I wanted to become whole again! I was tired of being fragmented…

What I discovered was that first you must heal old wounds which leaves you with scars…then you need to heal the scars… then you need to heal the empty places where you didn’t learn it right the first time…then and only then would the energy become available for magical use in a creative way depending upon which type of chakra energy it was.

In other words each chakra center held wounds that needed to be healed and I was working my way down from the top. After over thirty years I’ve healed the original wound which was the deepest. It was the wound I suffered from the emotional abandonment which I received from my mother when I was young. Sadly I passed that same emotional abandonment onto my own children as so many of us do. I was not there for them as they were growing up and I will regret that for the rest of my entire life. The existing relationship that I do have with my children is limited, but a good one…I try to be supportive of them and try to be there if they ever want to share…often they don’t.

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Book, Manipulation, Nature, Fantasy, Old, Clouds

There are at least three known stations or Sephiroth above the Great Abyss and even though I hesitate to use the terminology of the Holy Kabbalah it is perhaps the most useful to get my point across. When my awareness first permanently crossed the Great Abyss it settled into a very stable state known as the archetypal planes or realities. It is well known that logic and reason can’t cross this Great Abyss and they don’t function there. The best way to describe this space is self-evident truth or direct perception of reality. You don’t figure things out. You simply become aware of them as they really exist. I call this the plane of the Concrete Spiritual after the famed occultist Dion Fortune.

Beyond this station is one that is known as Unity or Spiritual Light and it is the place where energy and matter become interchangeable. This is the ultimate place of tearing down and building up of all things. It was to this area that I kept pushing my awareness because I wanted to dissolve myself into the Light in an act of Spiritual suicide because I hurt so bad that I was done and wanted OUT! This is where awareness becomes one with all that exists and knows itself as such. This is termed the plane of the Abstract Spiritual.

The third known station is more like a worm hole through space and time than anything else. Awareness can’t remain there but simply passes through it from one destination to the next. One might call this the realm of rotating magnetic spirals or where the magical cone of power exists in both its fundamental aspects of attraction and repulsion. So this is a transitional place where awareness is in motion as it traverses the universe.

I wanted to go beyond all of these and even though I was able to pierce much more deeply into the Golden Sea of Bliss and Light, I would find myself pushed back out again as soon as I let up my effort. I was able to establish a fourth station however and it was significantly above the other three. This was the photon/electron state described in Dewey Larson’s Reciprocal Systems theory. It represented the building block of all that existed in the universe.

Once more I will use the terminology of the Kabbalah because others have also mapped out this path.

The Great Abyss- the death of logic and reason

Chesed= helium-archetypal worlds- concrete spiritual energies

Binah=hydrogen-abstract spiritual energies

Chokmah=rotating magnetic forces- worm holes through time and space-timelines

Kether=alchemical unity

Ain=bliss & love – the station of the photon/electron and Dewey Larson’s Reciprocal Systems Theory or Jakob Boehme’s Throne of God  Ultimate Source of all things…the center of each atom…each cell…zero point energy

Ain Soph=where I tried to go in awareness but couldn’t

Ain Soph Aur=that unknowable Source beyond our universe that created and still creates our universe by continuously inserting more light into it.

As my awareness settled into this new reality I received almost constant ah ha moments or illuminations that filled in the missing pieces of my own philosophical paradigm or reality matrix. I began writing these down so that they wouldn’t be lost or forgotten and they became the core of my book Magister Templi. Most important was an essay on the stages of soul development that followed the spiritual path of the mystery schools as I understood it. But then in a flash of insight I inverted that path to discover the true secret of Sexual Alchemy and the twin paths of the male and female through each stage of soul development. This was the true beginning of my experience with soulmate and divine counterpart cycles.

With the collapse of my marriage the dam broke inside of me and suddenly after many years I was feeling emotions once more and it hurt! I had brought the lion back to life! I was getting so many illuminations and experiencing so much healing that I feared for my own sanity and began to see a psychologist twice a week. I also completed the Viscott Method in which I did a thorough self discovery process which I can recommend to anyone.

In addition to those things I also went to support groups twice a week, began my energy ball meditation for the first time and spent my tax return on Dianetics processing and other Scientology classes which I will talk about in my next post.

My psychologist said that my personality was stable but fluid and she was amazed at how fast things were happening for me. I kept going to her so that she could keep an eye on me so that I didn’t go off the deep end. She said that she had never known anyone who struggled against so much repression and opposition, but also said that she never knew anyone with such a strong will. I had turned that will upon myself in an effort to heal and find peace and nothing could stop me.

I was experiencing a form of psychotic break, but a positive one, in which I was reuniting with my original self or ego. I was feeling emotions for the first time since I was a teenager, but the emotions I was feeling were those of a teenager. I had to pick up where I had left off…I even went so far as to write a letter to my vampiric sweetheart proving that sexual link still existed. She never responded…



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Wallpaper, Background, Night, Blue, Girl, Fiction

To make a long story short, when I found out that she was pregnant we got married. I didn’t have a good job with medical insurance and in desperation joined the Air Force at the age of twenty seven. I barely made the age limit for enlisting. Our first child was born while I was in basic training and I moved the family to Phoenix Az as soon as I could. I spent eight years in the Air Force and they were all at Luke AFB.

The Air Force was good to me and I could have made a career of it except for the break up of my marriage. Right up front I will say that my wife believed in me during those early years and kept waiting for me to make something of myself. I was living in my head and was not a good supportive or emotional partner. I was not there for her and she wasn’t able to reach out to me. She was alone in a strange city without any vehicle or way to get around and dependent upon me for everything. We were living in poverty and soon we had a set of twins…

She had issues of her own and the energy dynamics of the relationship were such that I was forced to remain in my head to avoid the irrational behavior and angry emotions that she directed toward me. Her emotions were so powerful that I was afraid of them. I would read stories to the kids and then go into my room and meditate, try to lose myself in the Spiritual Light in a form of spiritual suicide. I really didn’t want to live any more.

My lack of response kept her frustrated and full of repressed emotions that had no healthy outlet. I was trapped and she was trapped and the pressure kept building and building. Somehow we had made it through seven rough years and then things changed.

There was a Rosicrucian Lodge in Phoenix and early on I became a member and loved it. It was the one bright spot in my life and I enjoyed the monthly meetings and fellowship. I participated in initiations and other activities which my wife had no interest in. After over fifteen years I had finally met my own people and it was wonderful. The people were wonderful as well, even though they were all older. I was the youngest and I soon found out that while I had read and reread my monographs over the years, many of them had not. I was also currently studying the 12th degree monographs and that made me somewhat of an elder…no one was as fanatical about their studies as I was.

Finally it happened, I crossed the Great Abyss and merged briefly with Source. The feeling was of undescribable bliss and love. It was falling into the loving embrace of the Cosmic Mother. The sense was definitely of feminine motherly love and protection. God was a Goddess! After a few weeks of intense daily meditations I felt my awareness permanently shift across the abyss and remain on the other side. I had become one with God/dess…That was when things fell apart.

Crossing the Great Abyss is to attain the grade of Magister Templi or the master of all sorrows…I was soon to find out why. Though my soul and spirit were protected, everything else in my life came crashing down!

While at work one day the commander called me into his office and told me that there was a big U-Haul rental truck at my home and my wife was packing everything up to leave. He told me to go home and deal with it. When I got home my brother-in-law was helping my wife load up the truck. I had known this day was coming, but it was still a bit of a surprise and part of me was sad and part of me was glad. I took the kids to the park for one last time while they finished and then they left to go back to Kansas. I was alone in an empty home…

We were deeply in debt and needed to let the house go back to the bank. We ended up going through bankruptcy and a divorce. My wife told me that she would take me for every penny I ever made and would take half of my military retirement as well. I tried to reason with her, but when she turned her back on me, she really turned on me…

I was court ordered to pay $600/month in child support. Now military pay is a strange thing. You have your base pay which was about $800/month at the time. Then you had a supplement for living with dependents and another cost of living adjustment. In all my monthly pay was around $1600. After they left I was only allowed my base pay and the off base cost of living allowance. I could no longer claim living with dependents and I would be expected to live on only $200 per month. It was simply not possible. I was going to be forced out of the military because I couldn’t live on what they were going to pay me. I tried to get the child support adjusted, but it was fixed based upon the past year’s income. I was screwed…I had two months until my enlistment was up and I moved into a cheap apartment to wait it out.

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Hunt, Forest, Hunting, Nature, Hunter, Wilderness

I’ve mentioned how my weekly Rosicrucian monograph studies were the backbone of my newly created and developing personality as I continued on my spiritual journey. Some could say that I had destroyed the false ego or self and discovered my true Ego or Self, but it was really a secondary personality that was simply more healthy than my original one. One day I would need to return to that original ego and self and bring it back to life, bring the lion back to life. But that was to be many years into the future.

There were many important milestones in my Rosicrucian studies and one time during a self initiation an ascended master appeared in my living room. This person was dressed in his ceremonial robes, sitting cross legged and floating in the air about waist high. He radiated a powerful sense of peace and authority and gave me the sense that I had done very well upon my path. I was amazed and carefully walked completely around him, observing from all directions and making sure that the apparition was real. It remained visible for over an hour and the residual energy and power remained for several hours after it was gone.

At the time I didn’t realize that this ascended master was Hanns Heinz Ewers, the person I was in my immediate past life. Our past lives have curious lives of their own and exist within us and outside of us at the same time. Perhaps the correct way to say this is that the entirety of our soul can’t be contained in just one lifetime or one individual. There is simply too much in life for one personality to experience it all. This ascended master appeared several different times in those early years at important stages of my personal development. He gave me important support and encouragement when it was most needed. Over the years we have seemed to merge as one.

I spent six months in West Germany as a college exchange student and they were the happiest days of my life! I felt that I was truly home and belonged there. So many miracles happened in my life during that time that I can’t write about them. It was very healing for my fractured soul and much needed. Just to give some trivial examples I was born on 24 April. My seat on the airplane to West Germany was #24 and it was also #24 on the flight back to the United States. I stayed in room #24 at the hotel for the entire six months. I celebrated my golden 24th birthday high in the Austrian alps in the spring of 1980 in a log cabin above the timberline. That log cabin was over 200 years old. I had never been on a mountain before.

For the first time in my life the people loved me and made me feel welcome and at home. I went to West Germany with $200 in my pocket and came home with $200 in my pocket. We had prepaid and the dollar was doing so well that we got a weekly allowance that was just enough to help me survive until I received my income tax refund. I also managed to get a part time job as an English teacher at the local Inlingua language school. I had many friends that showed me many of the wonders of their culture and their country.

When I returned to the United States I was a new person. I gave both my parents a hug when they met me at the airport and it was the first time I had ever hugged my father. He turned stiff as a statue and didn’t know what to make it or how to respond. I’m glad to share that my father is still alive and now returns hugs from others. Life has a way of teaching us what is important.

Full of confidence and naivety I determined that I was going to pursue a career in astrology and personalized self help hypnosis tapes even though I had never really done any of that work seriously or for others. In the meantime I supported myself by working for Service Master, the professional cleaning company. I put an ad in The Mother Earth News magazine and waited for the orders to come rolling in. I only got two responses.

The first was from a man that was having much trouble in love relationships and wanted to know why. I was offering a twenty page astrology report years before computers. I had to do it all by hand. As I cast the chart for this young man and dove into it I was horrified at all the challenges and obstacles this person was confronting. I felt that it was too invasive and that I had no business knowing what I was learning about this person. I vowed to never again do a horoscope for another person for money. I did a partial report and returned his money.

The other response was from a woman that would later become my wife and mother of my four children. We corresponded for over one year and convinced ourselves that we were madly in love with each other even though we had never met. We shared the best and kept the rest hidden. Finally I went to Kansas to meet her and it was a disaster. There was no spark between us and we were not attracted to each other, but we had sex anyway. At the age of 27 I was still a virgin and she had her own issues having once been date raped. Two desperate people do not make good life companions and it was over before it began…I went back to Minnesota with relief thinking that it was over until I received her letter a few months later saying that she was pregnant…

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Fantasy, Cave, Mystical, Rock, Stone, Caves Portal

As I continue with my personal story about soulmate cycles and divine counterparts there will be a few detours to make some things more clear. Please bear with me as all of this is important and you will understand more completely later as we deal with higher things.

I mentioned that my Rosicrucian studies were one of the factors leading to my early nervous breakdown in my early twenties. Since I didn’t know what to believe any more I decided to believe everything to the best of my ability if at all possible! I would let the still small voice of my conscience and my heart give the final verdict. Unknown to me at the time this was a major component of chaos theory: All inputs are valid!

But studying one monograph a week was way too slow for me and I devoured as many books on spirituality and the spiritual path as I could find. For many years I spent well over $500/year on books and resources in the area of new age metaphysics and cutting edge self empowerment.

I began with alternative Rosicrucian material by Manly Hall and Max Heindel not knowing what made them different from the Rosicrucian Order AMORC. From there I went on to study astrology and the works of the Theosophical Society with authors such as C.W. Leadbeater, Alice Bailey and H.P. Blavatsky. From there I moved on to Edgar Caycee, Ruth Montgomery and Jane Roberts and the Seth Material. Jane Roberts and the Seth Material was one of my greatest early influences and I still have Vols I&II of The Unknown Reality.

Soon I had graduated to the self hypnosis work of Dick Sutphen and was listening to self hypnosis tapes on past life regressions and positive programing techniques. I purchased the Hypnosis Training Seminar, a collection of twelve cassettes that were recorded during a three day Hypnosis Training Seminar and many other individual cassettes. I did attend a Dick Sutphen human potentials seminar later in Phoenix Arizona. Dick Sutphen was also an early major influence. From there I was led to NLP or Neuro Linguistic Programing which is a powerful derivation of hypnosis and altered state technology. I have six highly valued books on NLP on my library shelf. The problem I had with NLP and hypnosis is that if reprogramming can be so simple, it can also be undone just as simply! I was looking for something more permanent and stable…

A person shared his story of the graduation ceremony of becoming a NLP trainer. The entire group walked barefoot twenty feet through a glowing bed of hot coals without getting burned. When I asked if he thought he could repeat it, or if it was the belief of the entire group that made it possible, he thought that it had been the belief of the entire group that made it possible.

I mention hypnosis because I’ve discovered that much of what passed for magic was actually some form of hypnotic suggestion. But things get a little weird here and it is also obvious that we can do much more in altered states than we are led to believe. Consider that the stage hypnotist can create blisters on the skin of a subject by suggesting that it is a cigarette burn. The blister will actually appear and then later disappear when you tell the subject that it will go away. Walking through a bed of hot coals is obviously not simple suggestion, but something else entirely. We also have reports of medical miracles that can’t be explained such as sudden remission of cancer in certain people after a sudden healing. Dion Fortune talked about magical societies using hypnotic trance states and mediums to communicate over great distances with other lodges…

Remember that I was a head tripper after my nervous breakdown and no longer accessed my emotions for much of anything. I was obsessed with the spiritual and mystical path and wanted to commit spiritual suicide by merging with Source and disappearing forever…

Back tracking a bit…Everyone thought that I would go to college after I graduated from High School but my father told me in no uncertain terms that I would not go to college, but would go to some vocational school and learn a trade so that I could earn my living by the sweat of my brow like it said in the Bible. My self esteem and ego was not strong enough to stand up for myself and I went to vocational school to become an electrician. I went to vocational school for two years and worked as an electrician for five years. It was the hardest work I had ever done and I was treated as if I was an idiot because working with my hands didn’t come easily to me. I was treated so badly that I finally quit and resolved to go to college no matter what my father thought…

After getting an associate degree at the local community college I went to St. Cloud State University and enrolled in their Germany exchange program where I spent the best six months of my life in West Germany. More on that in my next post…

As my spiritual journey progressed I found myself isolating more and more from others and focusing almost entirely on Source.

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Portrait, Wedding, Kiss, Photoshoot, Just Married

I think everyone will understand why I’ve chosen to share my personal story in this post. I will be bringing many things up that require a certain perspective and context that would be difficult to present in any other way.

Now soulmates share the same soul frequency and because of that there is a very intense attraction and spark between the two people. However, you can have several soulmates and that spark or attraction doesn’t guarantee that you can have a happy relationship with that person. What it does indicate is that you can possibly complete a soulmate cycle together and permanently activate astral bodies for each other. After that much depends upon the karma that each person has with other people in their lives. The soulmate cycle aside, karma with other people often prevents soulmates from having lasting relationships with each other. But there are lots of factors that can go into this.

In my last post I talked about my first love relationship that I felt was with my true soulmate, but instead it turned into a vampiric connection that drained my sexual energies for over thirty years…Let me share a bit more to make this clear…

When this girl broke up with me I was so devastated that I lost twenty pounds in two weeks and was not able to ask another girl out on a date for seven years! I felt that no one could be to me what she was to me. I was fixated on that soulmate or supposed soulmate connection. Or perhaps it was the vampiric connection that held me so tightly bound? To this day I don’t really know. I only know that later in life I’ve encountered other soulmates that shared the same soul frequency as I and actually completed soulmate cycles with them and mutually activating permanent astral bodies. I have called these chakra soulmates because the individual soulmate cycles permanently activated a particular astral body or noble gas body as I will share in future posts.

Now getting back to my story:

Three critical factors hit me at the same time in my early twenties and caused me to have a nervous breakdown in which I ended up creating and living inside a secondary personality for the next twenty-five or so years. But this was a good thing and I need to explain why and what was really happening because this is an important part of the occult/mystic path that  people don’t understand.

The first factor was the ending of this love relationship with this person I believed was my one and only soulmate.

The second factor was my mother getting into a car accident with a man that she was having an affair with and everything coming out into the open including her drug abuse. This was devastating to me and caused me to lose faith in the spiritual and religious principles that I was raised in and which I had accepted after my earlier spiritual crisis of conscience. I felt that it was all a lie and not true because it certainly was not true for my own parents!

The third factor was perhaps the greatest and the one that really caused my nervous breakdown. Shortly after highschool I joined the Rosicrucian Order AMORC and began to receive weekly monographs in the mail to study. These monographs introduced concepts that were very challenging to the religious beliefs that I had been taught. I will give a few examples:

The Rosicrucians taught the importance of an inner authority called the Master Within which was the Christ spirit within each human heart that spoke through the voice of conscience. It was the one and only true spiritual authority and individual to each person. The Bible was symbolic and not to be taken literally. God was in our hearts, in all things, and that’s where we needed to contact Him, not out there in heaven somewhere.

I was also taught the concept of reincarnation and karma for the first time. These were some of the early concepts that actively destroyed my faith in ordinary Christianity. But I was conflicted… I was so conflicted that one night I lay on the living room floor unmoving, locked in indecision, knowing that I needed to decide and knowing that my eternal life and soul was at risk depending on which path I chose. I finally chose to follow the path of conscience and my heart and if I was wrong I would accept the consequences.

That was when I had my nervous breakdown. That was when something split inside of me and I lost my connection to mother earth. I set my sights on a spiritual path and my emotions died. My emotions died because of the pain I felt from the things I’d experienced in my failed love relationship and what was going on with my mother. There was too much emotional pain…so I abandoned the emotions and set upon the spiritual path with an intensity that took over my entire being.

Luckily my weekly monograph studies were very powerful and actually helped me keep it together in a somewhat healthy way. They brought order, structure and something to believe in when I was my most vulnerable. I only realized much later in life that I had created a secondary personality and it was a positive thing. It helped me to develop and grow my sense of self and ego and this was vital to my emotional and mental health.

The reason that I bring this up is because it or something like it has always been an important part of the mystery school teachings in one way or another. You see, we are all broken in some way and the true path of a mystery school is to heal the soul, the emotions and the mind.

Magic work talks about assuming God forms and becoming the deity for brief moments while doing spells. The assumption of a God form is to temporarily place your awareness into a secondary personality that you have created. To assume a God form is much like deliberately creating a secondary personality…This is seen as a positive thing because it is more healthy than many of the ordinary personalities.

In alchemy one of the most important steps is to kill the lion, which means to kill the emotions just like I did…One of the later steps is to bring the lion back to life again…which is to reintegrate the emotions which I have done as well in these later years. I have reawakened my original self as I will share in later posts. The main point is that these phases of healing and mental and emotional health through the deliberate use of secondary personalities were known and used frequently in the development and growth of the soul.

My little talk about secondary personalities would not be complete without mentioning that both the Shadow and the Higher Self or Holy Guardian Angel are also secondary personalities and need to be integrated into the Self or Ego before true healing can take place.

The Shadow acts independent of the Self and consists of those things we feel are within us, but we deny them and don’t accept them. We need to find a way to accept them and love them for what they really are. They are those instincts that try to keep our physical body alive and healthy.

The Higher Self or Holy Guardian Angel also acts independent of the Self and consists of those things we admire and respect in others, but feel are missing within ourselves. We need to realize that those things we admire in others do exist inside us as well and do belong to us. They are not out of reach…


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