Anarchistbanjo's World

To make a long story short, when I found out that she was pregnant we got married. I didn’t have a good job with medical insurance and in desperation joined the Air Force at the age of twenty seven. I barely made the age limit for enlisting. Our first child was born while I was in basic training and I moved the family to Phoenix Az as soon as I could. I spent eight years in the Air Force and they were all at Luke AFB.

The Air Force was good to me and I could have made a career of it except for the break up of my marriage. Right up front I will say that my wife believed in me during those early years and kept waiting for me to make something of myself. I was living in my head and was not a good supportive or emotional partner. I was not there for her and she wasn’t able to reach out to me. She was alone in a strange city without any vehicle or way to get around and dependent upon me for everything. We were living in poverty and soon we had a set of twins…

She had issues of her own and the energy dynamics of the relationship were such that I was forced to remain in my head to avoid the irrational behavior and angry emotions that she directed toward me. Her emotions were so powerful that I was afraid of them. I would read stories to the kids and then go into my room and meditate, try to lose myself in the Spiritual Light in a form of spiritual suicide. I really didn’t want to live any more.

My lack of response kept her frustrated and full of repressed emotions that had no healthy outlet. I was trapped and she was trapped and the pressure kept building and building. Somehow we had made it through seven rough years and then things changed.

There was a Rosicrucian Lodge in Phoenix and early on I became a member and loved it. It was the one bright spot in my life and I enjoyed the monthly meetings and fellowship. I participated in initiations and other activities which my wife had no interest in. After over fifteen years I had finally met my own people and it was wonderful. The people were wonderful as well, even though they were all older. I was the youngest and I soon found out that while I had read and reread my monographs over the years, many of them had not. I was also currently studying the 12th degree monographs and that made me somewhat of an elder…no one was as fanatical about their studies as I was.

Finally it happened, I crossed the Great Abyss and merged briefly with Source. The feeling was of undescribable bliss and love. It was falling into the loving embrace of the Cosmic Mother. The sense was definitely of feminine motherly love and protection. God was a Goddess! After a few weeks of intense daily meditations I felt my awareness permanently shift across the abyss and remain on the other side. I had become one with God/dess…That was when things fell apart.

Crossing the Great Abyss is to attain the grade of Magister Templi or the master of all sorrows…I was soon to find out why. Though my soul and spirit were protected, everything else in my life came crashing down!

While at work one day the commander called me into his office and told me that there was a big U-Haul rental truck at my home and my wife was packing everything up to leave. He told me to go home and deal with it. When I got home my brother-in-law was helping my wife load up the truck. I had known this day was coming, but it was still a bit of a surprise and part of me was sad and part of me was glad. I took the kids to the park for one last time while they finished and then they left to go back to Kansas. I was alone in an empty home…

We were deeply in debt and needed to let the house go back to the bank. We ended up going through bankruptcy and a divorce. My wife told me that she would take me for every penny I ever made and would take half of my military retirement as well. I tried to reason with her, but when she turned her back on me, she really turned on me…

I was court ordered to pay $600/month in child support. Now military pay is a strange thing. You have your base pay which was about $800/month at the time. Then you had a supplement for living with dependents and another cost of living adjustment. In all my monthly pay was around $1600. After they left I was only allowed my base pay and the off base cost of living allowance. I could no longer claim living with dependents and I would be expected to live on only $200 per month. It was simply not possible. I was going to be forced out of the military because I couldn’t live on what they were going to pay me. I tried to get the child support adjusted, but it was fixed based upon the past year’s income. I was screwed…I had two months until my enlistment was up and I moved into a cheap apartment to wait it out.