Once I outgrew the stick I was no longer a child and I became a youth. For the first time I became aware of myself, I became aware of thoughts and ideas. As a child I only participated in the world without thought, but as a youth I became more aware of the world, how big it was, and how much I didn’t know.
In the beginning I deferred to external powers. I deferred to my parents, authorities, and rules. Later I ignored them because I felt I didn’t need them anymore. I had outgrown them. I had discovered the invincibility of youth that answered to nothing or no one other than itself. I chose to act for myself and the world resisted!
Bright ideas and dreams are the idealism of youth. Ideas are pure thought, and they bring delight. I was fascinated with them. From this idealistic viewpoint earthly things faded away and became less important. Instead of being an unthinking participant I became an observer, a watcher. I tried to understand things by observing them and to confuse things even more, I discovered my conscience. I successfully defied external authority, but I couldn’t hide from myself! As a youth, I found that I couldn’t hide from my thoughts, from what I believed in my heart.
But thoughts are not the real thing and as a youth it was very easy to confuse my dream girl friend with who she really was as a person. I idealized her, put her onto a pedestal and made her something that she wasn’t.
I did the same thing with glorious ideas like truth, freedom, justice and equality. And once more I found myself kneeling before these external powers offering myself as a sacrifice. I felt empty inside and not worthy of them. And once more I had to learn the hard way that these lofty thoughts and ideals were abstract things that didn’t really belong to me. They were just ideals. They were just thoughts. They were not the real thing!
Anarchistbanjo's World 