Anarchistbanjo's World

95% of communication is nonverbal and that doesn’t even include psychic abilities! Our bodies don’t know how to lie and if you’re serious about communicating honestly with others you need to understand body language. Now body language is a big subject and there are plenty of books about it, good books. I’m just going to mention a few things and then suggest some simple exercises that you can do with a trusted friend that you feel comfortable with.

There are some basic things to notice about other people:

Are their legs or arms crossed? Is there tension in the body? Crossing the arms and legs is a classic defensive position that walls the person off from other people.

Preening or patting the hair, smoothing the shirt or dress, straightening a tie are all nervous movements that tell a person isn’t quite comfortable with the situation.

Constant moving – can’t sit still, Ill at ease, doesn’t have your full attention. You can tell that they’re not really listening to you! This isn’t rocket science! You should be able to tell if someone’s listening to you or not.

Hand movements – what are their hands doing, are they clenched or open, in their pockets or hidden in any way?

Nervous movements – tapping a pencil, moving their leg or some other movement that shows the person is nervous or stressed.

Movement of a person toward or away from you is very revealing and we should all pay attention to this one!

Are they relaxed or tense? Ideally we should all be relaxed, open and honest in our communications with others. But that doesn’t always happen.

Okay now I’m going to list some things that I suggest you try with a person that you trust and with whom you are comfortable. The idea is simply to become more aware of body language and how powerful it really is. So as you do these exercises pay attention to the sensations that you feel so that you can recognize them and to begin to notice them in ordinary life.

Eye contact

One person tries to maintain eye contact and the other person tries to avoid eye contact. Take turns with this until both of you are familiar with the sensations of trying to avoid eye contact and trying to get the other person to make eye contact. Pay attention to your own movements, remember the goal of these exercises is self awareness.

Handshake

There are different kinds of handshakes. Try a few of the most common ones. Pay attention to how each one makes you feel and whether you like it or not.

The firm handshake

The finger handshake

The two-handed handshake

The limp handshake

Slumped Shoulders and Erect Posture

One person tries to maintain a slumped posture while talking and the other tries to maintain an erect posture. Notice how each posture makes you feel and also notice how it makes a difference in the other person’s communication. These are simple practices in self observation. Have a little fun with it.

Proximity Boundary

One person moves in too close to the other person deliberately while they are talking. Pay attention to your own emotions as you force yourself to get too close to the other person and as they get too close to you. What does it feel like?

Now reverse it and try the opposite. One person moves too far away from the other person deliberately while they are talking with each other. What does that do to the communication? Where is a comfortable spot?

Standing or Sitting at a Desk

One person is standing and the other person is sitting behind a desk. After trying this and recognizing the sensations that you feel switch places and experience the conversation from the other point of view. How does this make you feel?

Standing or Sitting

One person is standing and the other remains sitting in a chair. Take your time and really pay attention to your own feelings of comfort or discomfort and notice how the other person is feeling as well. Trade places and then compare notes.

Turned Away

One person remains turned 45° away from the other person. Notice how this feels. Is it disrespectful? Does it feel uncomfortable?

These are all very simple exercises that can stir up a lot of comfort and discomfort so pay attention to how they make you feel. Good communicators understand how to make other people feel comfortable and they understand how to be comfortable themselves. Again, have a little fun with this and share your experiences together.