Anarchistbanjo's World

Homo Sapiens: Under Way Chapter 1 by Stanislaw Przybyszewski and translated by Joe E Bandel

Under Way

Dedicated to my friend Julius Meier-Graefe

I.

Fräulein Marit Kauer sat and rejoiced. 

So, finally. She had completely given up hope of ever seeing him again. At least ten times he had written to his mother that he would come: tomorrow, the day after. Then he was so terribly busy that he could only come the next month. Then another month passed, and another. But finally: now for real. 

Today, her little brother had come home from school and, among a thousand silly things, told her that Herr Falk, yes, definitely Herr Erik Falk, was here. Yes, absolutely certain: he was here. He sent greetings to the parents and would allow himself to visit them in the afternoon. 

Fräulein Marit was speechless for a few seconds; no, she could hardly believe it. 

God, how she had suffered! She had nearly lost her mind during that dreadful time when he couldn’t or wouldn’t come. She had sacrificed all her virginal dignity; she had lowered herself so far as to write letters to him, fervent pleas to him. 

Of course, she had only done so on his mother’s behalf, but was he so foolish that he didn’t understand the longing trembling in every word? 

Did he not want to understand? Could it be true? 

No, for God’s sake, no. It was a lie, a shameless lie. Those horrible, nasty stories: that he had a son, that he had secretly married, entered a civil marriage with a Frenchwoman. 

No! He was so honest, so sovereign. He would surely have written something about it; he couldn’t deceive her like that. Hadn’t he spoken of love to her? 

Hadn’t he assured her that she alone, only she, could give him great happiness? 

No, it was a lie; he was so infinitely noble and refined… 

Her heart began to beat strongly. She breathed deeply. Her eyes started to tear. A wild surge of joy rose within her: perhaps in a quarter of an hour, she would see him, look into his enigmatic eyes, and listen to his peculiar words. How she loved him, how unspeakably she loved him… 

God had heard her. She had paid for three masses to bring him back to her. Like a poor animal, she had lain at the feet of the Crucified, pleading, crying, and praying. Would the heavenly Father not hear her? Had she offended Him? 

And yet she fasted every Friday and Saturday to atone for sins she didn’t know. But even the righteous sin seven times a day. And perhaps: wasn’t her love a sin? But no: now Falk was here! God had heard her… 

She stood up. It was so oppressive under the veranda. The whole garden was so sultry. She stepped onto the country road leading to the nearby town. That’s where Falk would come from. 

Suddenly, a jolt ran through her body; she felt her blood surge to her heart. She trembled. 

Yes, she saw him clearly. It was definitely him. 

She clung to the fence. It urged her to run to him, to throw herself into his arms. 

No, no, not that! Just show him how infinitely she rejoiced. Yes, she wouldn’t hide her joy; he should see how she rejoiced. 

No: not that either! She couldn’t, she mustn’t. She turned back, returning to the veranda. 

No, it wouldn’t do; she couldn’t greet him here either. She felt fire in her temples, the hot glow in her eyes. She couldn’t speak a word now; she couldn’t even keep her composure. 

She ran up to her room, threw herself on the bed, and buried her sobbing face in the pillows… 

Falk was warmly greeted by Herr Kauer. 

“That you still exist! It’s nice of you to remember your homeland again. We’ve been waiting for you in vain for so long.” 

Falk made himself very charming. 

“Of course, of course! I’ve thought a lot about home; but this immense workload! Even in the last few days, I had to go through 30 sheets of proofs for my latest novel, and that’s the most dreadful thing there is. Now I’m immensely glad, I feel so expansive in the countryside, I feel love around me; there’s surely something beautiful about home.” 

“It was really necessary for me. I’m very nervous and quite foolish, but with Mother, it’ll soon, very soon be better. Mother is, after all, next to the art of printing, the most wonderful invention.” 

Herr Kauer was overjoyed to see him again; he’d truly longed to talk to him. In the provinces, the world was boarded up; you didn’t know what was happening out there. Now he had to know everything, Falk should tell him all. 

Wine was served. 

“Herr Falk must drink a lot; you probably can’t get such wine in Paris. By the way, it’s quite wonderful to drink with such an intelligent companion.” 

They soon lost themselves in a deep conversation about asparagus cultivation. 

“Herr Kauer must absolutely try the new method, namely leaving about a meter of soil for each asparagus root, then digging around it…” 

The door opened, and Marit entered. She was pale, looked freshly washed, and very embarrassed. 

Falk jumped up and extended both hands. 

“No, it’s wonderful to see you. Good God, how long it’s been!” 

“We didn’t expect you anymore…” she turned suddenly and began searching for something on the windowsill. 

Falk continued talking about asparagus but was restless. 

Kauer was very engaged, constantly expressing his joy. He hadn’t had much luck; it had been a bad harvest. His wife had been ill for a year, now she was at a spa, where she’d spend the whole summer. Now he had to manage the household with Marit as best he could. Yes, and Falk mustn’t mind if he disappeared for an hour; he had some arrangements to make. 

Falk was left alone with Marit. 

She looked out the window; he took a strong gulp from his glass. Then he stood up. 

She trembled, turning alternately red and pale. “Well, Fräulein, how have you been?” 

Falk smiled kindly. “Very well; very well…” 

She lowered her eyes to the floor, then looked at him strangely. 

“It’s remarkable that you came after all; what actually brought you here?” 

“Well, good God, you know, when you’ve wandered a lot and become very nervous, you get this peculiar feeling of weakness; you get so soft, and then you have to go to your mother, just like a child to its mother.” 

It grew quiet. Falk paced thoughtfully. 

“Yes, I love my mother. But I couldn’t come. There were very important things holding me back; very peculiar circumstances.” 

He fixed his eyes on her, as if probing her. She suddenly became stiff and aloof. 

“Yes, right, I’ve heard a lot about it; about those strange, peculiar circumstances.” 

She spoke with ironic emphasis. 

Falk looked at her, surprised; he seemed prepared for it, though. 

“God, well, yes: people tell a lot of foolish things, that’s obvious. It’s terribly indifferent to me what they say about me.” 

It grew quiet again. Falk poured himself another glass and emptied it. 

She looked at him harshly. His face was pale and sunken, with a feverish, peculiar glint in his eyes. 

He must have suffered a lot! Her pity stirred. 

“Oh, you must forgive me. No, I didn’t mean to throw those unpleasant stories about you in your face right away. I have no right to do that either. Of course, it must be indifferent to me.” 

“Yes, yes…” 

Falk seemed tired. 

“It’s peculiar… Hmm, I traveled two days, didn’t sleep a wink all night, but I had no rest: I had to go to her, had to see her…” 

The spring day was over. Dusk began to fall. They both stood at the window. They looked at the river and beyond to the wooded hills. Mist rose from the river, spreading over the hills and creeping into the forest, as if the river had overflowed its banks and wanted to flood the whole world. Gradually, the hills and forest vanished, and the wide, shimmering mist merged with the horizon. 

A message came from Herr Kauer that the hour would stretch another hour, and Falk must stay at all costs. 

They remained alone. Falk drank incessantly. Now and then, he spoke a casual word. 

“She shouldn’t mind that he drank so much; it was really necessary for him now. He was very run-down; a delirium wasn’t to be feared, though. By the way, it was all terribly indifferent. Oh, she shouldn’t think he’d become sentimental; no. But you could objectively state, quite simply, as an established fact, that you’re not happy. She shouldn’t take it personally; or—perhaps she should. But it was all so foolish and indifferent; she needn’t put any weight on it.” 

Marit suddenly stepped toward him. 

“You know, Herr Falk, let’s not play a comedy! No, let’s speak openly. A year ago, when you were here, do you remember: when we met? Back then, you told me you loved me. You wrote it to me too. I have all your letters; they’re my great treasure. Now, you know how I feel about you; yes. You know it exactly. You must be kind. I trusted you. I gave myself entirely to the feeling of love for you. I tried to suppress this love at first. I knew it was aimless. You told me so often that you love only for the sake of love. 

You told me openly that you couldn’t promise me anything, that our love had no future. I didn’t want promises either. I expected nothing from you. I loved you because I had to love you—” 

Marit grew more and more confused. She wanted to say so much, but now everything compressed, piled up, and pushed forward, disordered, incoherent. 

“Yes, good God, no! That’s not what I meant to say. I just want you to speak openly to me, to tell me the whole truth. I’ve tormented myself so unspeakably, I’ve suffered so much…” 

Falk looked at her, surprised. What did she want to know? 

“Oh, you know already; there’s so much talk about you in the whole area, and all these stories must have some basis. Yes: tell me: is it all true? That—that with the Frenchwoman—and—no—it’s impossible…” 

“What then?” 

“I mean… the child.” “Child? Hmm…” 

Falk paced with long strides. A painful silence fell. From the courtyard, a servant’s voice was heard. Suddenly, Falk stopped before her. 

“Well, I’ll tell you the whole brutal truth; everything, everything I’ll tell you; completely open. Yes, I’ll be completely open, even at the risk that you won’t want to hear me and show me the door. Of course, I have a child; the child was alive before I met you. Yes, the child is a wonderful thing; it saved me, this child. It was like a strong spine that put me back together. I was falling apart, I was already a wreck. I was worse than the worst. No, you must listen calmly. I was a man, a little man, and as such, I had the right to father children… 

Now, if you can’t shed your foolish prudery, you shouldn’t provoke confessions.”  

Marit had tears in her eyes. 

“Forgive me, Fräulein, but I’m very nervous.” Tears streamed down her face. 

“Good, dear Marit! Be kind, Marit! Listen to me as only a wise sister can. Even if you don’t understand half of it, listen to me… 

Good God, does she want to keep playing blind man’s buff and stumble in the dark? I can’t allow that, she’s too refined and intelligent for that. 

Of course, I have a son, and I love him. His mother, no, I don’t love her. When she crossed my path back then, I was in complete ruin; she was good to me, we lived together, and so we had a son.” 

“My God, my God, how is that possible?” “Yes, many things are possible.” 

Falk spoke in a tired voice and drank again. He paced a few times, then took her hand… 

“Marit! Now I’ll tell you completely openly. Marit: you mustn’t love me. I was a wretch. Yes, I craved your love, I begged and pleaded for your love, but back then I believed I could make you happy. I believed in it, I wanted to make you my wife, and you would have loved my son. But that woman clung to me like a burr. A hundred times I tried to shake her off, but I couldn’t, and I probably won’t be able to.” 

Falk seemed very agitated; Marit tried to interrupt him. 

“No, no, let me finish. Yes, I believed I’d make you happy. That’s why, only why, I nurtured your love; you mustn’t think I’m a scoundrel. But now, now it’s all over. Now I mustn’t demand this love anymore; no, it’s impossible. Not an ounce of happiness can I give you; that’s completely out of the question. Only one thing: be my friend, my sister.” 

Marit sat as if faint. 

Falk knelt before her and grasped her hands. 

“You, be kind, be my friend. You can’t be my beloved. No, not even a friend—no; I’m going, I’m going now. Answer me; you mustn’t see me anymore, not anymore. So, you: goodbye, I’m going.” 

Falk rose unsteadily. 

But at that moment, Marit sprang up desperately. 

“No, stay! Stay! Do what you want; but I must see you, or I’ll get sick. Oh God, God, this is terrible!” 

Falk suddenly fell upon her. 

“No, for heaven’s sake, no!” She pushed him away and ran out of the room. 

Falk sat at the table, drank the bottle empty, and stared ahead. The darkness felt good to him. 

Suddenly, he started. 

“It’s remarkable how you can be startled by a lamp. I’m really very nervous.” 

Marit smiled wearily; she placed the lamp on the table. 

“Papa must come soon; you’re staying for supper, aren’t you?” 

“Yes, I’ll do that. I’m a good man. I’m a gentleman. I mustn’t expose you to Papa’s suspicions.”