Anarchistbanjo's World

Homo Sapiens: In the Maelstrom by Stanislaw Przybyszewski and translated by Joe E Bandel

He looked again with wide, expressionless eyes at Falk. 

“I saw a picture. The man goes in patent shoes and turned-up trousers into the realm of death. The man goes without fear, with chic. Two lilies grow on each side. Below death yawns. The whole thing is boring for death. And the stupid humans make so much fuss about it… The picture made a great impression on me then… Do you understand the blasé death? Do you understand what that means: a death for which death is indifferent and boring?” 

He was silent long. 

“I also have no fear. I would have absolutely no fear if I wanted to shoot myself in the brain. But I want to die with dignity and in beauty, I don’t want my brain to splash out on all sides… Now you see: I have fear of the few seconds when my brain will still live after the heart is already dead. I will live through my whole life in these few seconds, live through again. An unheard-of life frenzy will befall me: everything I experienced will seem so beautiful to me. An unheard-of despair to come back into life will seize me, a raging fear that these few seconds will soon end, that in one second I perhaps can no longer think. I will see every blade of grass, I will count every leaf above me, I will think of a thousand small things to keep the brain awake… The thoughts will confuse themselves more and more. In the last thousandth of a second I will still think of her,—still a terrible jerk through the whole body, then a fiery circle begins to dance before my eyes, a circle in a wild, whirling movement. I will stare at it as it fades and shrinks together: now as big as a plate, now as a small ring… still a horrible jerk of fear that it should disappear now—but now it is only a tiny point, a laughing point in the glowing eye of nothingness—Grodzki smiled insanely—then it is over.” 

A terrible feeling of fear whirled in painful shiver over Falk’s whole body. But only for a moment. He became calm with a blow. At the same time he felt a tormenting curiosity stir and grow. He would like to suck himself into him now. There was a secret there that he did not know, that perhaps could make clear to him the last reasons of existence. But his brain was as if fogged, every moment it became black before his eyes and every time he reached for the wine glass. 

Suddenly he saw again with uncanny clarity Grodzki’s face. He involuntarily imprinted the features. So that is how one looks who wants to die in the next hour… Strange! No, not strange: the face resembled completely a death mask, not a muscle stirred in it; it was frozen. He bent far over the table and asked mysteriously. 

“Will you really do it?” “Yes… Today.” 

“Today?” “Yes.” 

They stared at each other for a time. But Grodzki seemed to see nothing more. He was quite absent-minded, no, not absent, he no longer thought at all. 

Suddenly Grodzki moved quite close to Falk and asked with mysterious eagerness. 

“Don’t you believe that the holy John erred when he said: in the beginning was the word?” 

Falk looked at him startled. Grodzki seemed suddenly confused. His eyes were unnaturally widened, they resembled two black, glowing balls. 

“That is lie. The word is only an emanation, the word was created from sex… Sex is the immanent substance of existence… See, in me the waves of its evolution broke. I am the last! You are only transition, a small link in the chain. But I am the last. I stand a thousand times higher than you. You are development dung and I am God.” 

“God?” asked Falk in growing horror. 

“I will become God immediately.” “God is the last of nothingness, the foam that nothingness threw up. I am more, for I am the last wave of being.” 

He stretched high, a proud triumph poured over his face. 

“God is the pity and the despair and the boredom of nothingness, but I am the will of the proudest creation of being. The will of my brain am I!” he cried triumphantly, but sank immediately again into himself. 

A morbid impatience suddenly began to rage in Falk. If it lasted longer, he would not be able to endure it. The fever would burst his brain. If the person would only go. If it would only be over quickly. The seconds became eternities to him. He had trouble sitting calmly. He could not wait, a rage of impatience trembled in him and his heart beat so violently as if it wanted to burst the chest. 

Suddenly Grodzki rose slowly, quite as if he did not know what he was doing, he went as in sleep to the door. Here he stopped thoughtfully. Suddenly he awoke. 

“You Falk, do you really believe that there are devil lodges?” 

“I believe nothing, I know nothing, perhaps in New York, in Rome, I don’t know…” he raged with impatience. 

Grodzki brooded. Then he went slowly out. 

Falk breathed relieved. But suddenly a terrible unrest grew in him. It seemed to him as if he had only now actually understood what Grodzki wanted to do. 

He wanted to think, but he could not. Only his unrest became greater with every second. An animal, unreflected fear rose in him, his heart stopped for a moment. 

He reached for his hat and put it away again, then he searched for money, with convulsive haste he rummaged through all pockets, finally found it in the vest pocket, called for the waiter, threw him everything he had in his hand and ran to the street. 

From afar he saw Grodzki standing at a street clock. 

Falk pressed himself anxiously against a wall so that Grodzki would not discover him by chance, and again he felt the raging impatience that it should finally end once. 

Now he finally saw him go. With strange clarity he saw every movement, he studied this peculiar, dragging gait. He believed he could calculate when the foot would rise and when it would come to stand again. He saw the balance of the body shift with the accuracy of a machine in the same path. 

Then he became distracted. He tried to go inaudibly. That took much effort and his toes began to hurt, but he became calmer by it. He could only not understand what this tormenting curiosity and this impatience meant. 

He followed Grodzki along the street and saw him disappear in a park. 

Falk became so weak that he had to lean against a corner house to not fall. Everything in him was so tense that the slightest sound hurt him. He heard a cab drive in the distance, then he heard a laugh… he trembled more and more violently, his teeth chattered. 

Now it must come… He closed his eyes. Now… now… his heart constricted. He suffocated. 

Then it shot through his brain, he could miss the shot. The blood roared and surged in his head. Perhaps he could not hear at all! 

He listened tensely. 

He will perhaps not shoot himself, he thought suddenly and clenched his fists in a paroxysm of rage. He only wanted to fool him. He will not shoot himself at all! he repeated in growing rage. 

“He only coquetted with the thought…” In this moment he heard the shot. 

A sudden fright shot through his limbs. He wanted to cry out, his soul struggled to cry, horribly to cry, but his throat was as if constricted, he could not bring out a sound. 

Suddenly he felt a wild joy that it was over, but in a moment his soul turned into a wild hate against this person who had caused him this torment. 

He listened. It was quiet. Now he devoured himself with every nerve into this quiet, he could not listen enough, it seemed to him as if this calm poured into him. 

Then he felt a hot, burning curiosity to see the man, to look into his eyes, the fading fire whirl… He made a step forward cautiously, stopped, drew deep breath, and with a jerk a horrible fear seized him, it seemed to him as if he had committed a murder, his knees trembled, the blood dammed to the heart. 

He began to go, trembling as if every limb had become independent, he went uncertainly, stumbled, staggered… 

Suddenly he heard steps behind his back, he remembered at once that he had heard them before too, he applied his last strength, began to go faster and faster and finally to run senselessly. His legs tumbled over each other. He could not get away fast enough. Something tore him back. He ran faster and faster, in the head it roared and pounded: in the next second all vessels would burst… 

Bathed in sweat, he came into the hallway of his house and collapsed on the stairs. 

How long he lay so, he did not know. When he came to consciousness again, he climbed slowly and quietly up the stairs, came noiselessly into his room and threw himself on the bed. 

Suddenly he found himself on the street again. He was very astonished. He did not know at all how he came out of the house. The door was locked though. He did not remember locking it, but he could remember very well the hand movement when turning the key. 

He stood thoughtfully. 

He had surely locked the door… Strange, strange… And there at the corner a new house. That he had not seen it earlier! He read on the front an inscription with huge letters: Mourning Magazine… He started… He really did not need to look at the house. He had no time for that, no, really no time at all. He only wondered that he suddenly became restless. Why so suddenly? A man passed. He had a long coat of which the lowest button was missing. He saw that quite clearly… 

Now he came over a large square on which many carriages drove back and forth, but he saw no people and heard not the slightest noise, on the contrary: it was a death silence around him.  It became uncanny to him. A nameless fear crept unstoppably higher and higher up, from below up, from the root depths of his spinal cord—root depths?