Homo Sapiens: Overboard by Stanislaw Przybyszewski and translated by Joe E Bandel
X.
“Why didn’t you come to Iltis’s yesterday?” Isa was a bit uncertain.
“What was I supposed to do there? I assumed you could have fun without me.”
“That’s ugly of you; you know how happy I am when we go to gatherings together.”
“Are you?”
Mikita looked at her suspiciously. “What do you mean?”
She grew sullen. But suddenly, she saw his sleepless, pale face twitching. She knew that look.
“No, that’s very ugly of you.” She took his hand and stroked it.
Mikita gently pulled his hand away. He paced back and forth. “But what’s wrong with you?”
“With me? Nothing, no, absolutely nothing.”
She looked at him. A feverish unease twitched more and more violently in his face. Something was simmering in him, ready to erupt any moment.
“Won’t you come to me?” He approached her.
“What do you want?”
“Sit next to me, here, close.” He sat down. She took his hand. “What’s wrong with you, Mikita? What?”
“Nothing!”
“Have I hurt you?” “No!”
“Look, Mikita, you’re not being honest with me. You won’t tell me, but I know you so well: you’re jealous of Falk…”
Mikita tried eagerly to interrupt her.
“No, no; I know you too well. You’re jealous, and that’s terribly foolish of you. Falk is only interesting, perhaps the most interesting person next to you, but I could never love him, no, never. You see, when you didn’t come yesterday, I knew very well you were sitting at home tormenting yourself with jealousy. I asked myself the whole evening, what reason do you even have? Have I given you any cause for jealousy?”
Mikita felt ashamed.
“You mustn’t be jealous. It torments me. I get so tired of it. In the end, I won’t even dare to speak a word with anyone, afraid you’ll take it badly. You mustn’t. I simply can’t bear it in the long run. You have no reason for it. You’re only destroying our love.”
Mikita softened completely and kissed her hand.
“You humiliate me with your constant mistrust. You must consider that I’m a person too. You can’t torment me endlessly like this. You were so proud of my independence, and now you’re trying to destroy it and make me a slave. In the end, you’ll want to lock me up…”
Mikita was utterly desperate.
“Isa, no, no! I’m not jealous. But you don’t know what you mean to me. I can’t live without you. I’m rooted so completely—completely in you… You are…”
He made a wide, comical hand gesture.
“You don’t understand, you don’t have that raging temperament—this… this… well, you know, you can’t feel how it burns and torments, how it shoots into your eyes and blinds you to the whole world…”
She stroked his hand incessantly.
“No, you don’t know what you are to me. I’m not jealous. I only have this raging fear of losing you. I can’t comprehend that you can love me—me…”
“You know, you know—” he straightened up. “Just look at little, comical Mikita, you’re taller than me…”
“Let it go, let it go; I love you; you’re the great artist, the greatest of all…”
“Yes, you see, you only love the artist in me, you don’t know the man. As a man, I’m nothing to you, nothing at all…”
“But the man and the artist are one in you! What would you be without your art?”
“Yes, yes; you’re right. No, Isa, I’m crazy. Don’t hold it against me, no, for God’s sake, don’t. I’ll be reasonable now. But I can’t help it. You must understand. I—I live in you… if I lose you, then… then—I have nothing—nothing…”
Tears ran down his cheeks. She embraced him.
“My dear, foolish Mikita. I love you…”
“You do, don’t you? You love me? Don’t you? You… You…”
He ran his trembling hands over her face, pressed her to him. “You’ll never leave me?”
“No, no.”
“You love me?” “Yes.”
“Say it, say it again, a thousand times… You, my only one… You—You can’t comprehend how I tormented myself, yes, yesterday; I thought I’d lose my mind. I wanted to run there and couldn’t… I couldn’t sit, couldn’t stand… You, Isa, you’ll never leave me? No, no! Then I’d fall apart… Then—then, you know…”
The painter’s small, frail body trembled more violently.
“You see, I’ll paint—you don’t know what I can do… I’ll show you what I can do. I’ll paint you, only you, always you… I’ll force the whole world to bow before you… Everything, everything I can paint—thoughts, chords, words… and you, yes, you… You’ll be so proud of me, so proud…”
He knelt before her, his words tumbling over each other, he stammered and clasped her knees.
“You, my—You…”
She grew restless. It was embarrassing for her. If only he would calm down.
“Yes, yes… You’re my great Mikita. I’m all yours, all… but you mustn’t be so ugly anymore…”
“No, no; I know you love me. I know you’re mine… Forgive my ridiculousness… I’ll never do it again… You’ve forgotten it?”
“Yes, yes…”
He pressed her so tightly that she could hardly breathe.
A dark unease grew and grew within her. She felt it coming, and a shudder of fear ran through her. She wanted nothing more than to run away…
She pulled away.
But he seemed to notice nothing. The wild, long-pent-up passion now broke free and erupted suddenly.
“I’m so happy, so infinitely happy with you. You’ve given me everything, everything…” He stammered, and a hot greed came over him.
“I’m nothing, nothing without you. I felt that yesterday, I fall apart without you…”
He pressed her ever more tightly. “You… You…” He panted hotly.
She felt his hot breath burning her neck. Her insides shrank like an empty sponge. Fear surged within her, paralyzed her, confused her… Oh God, what should she do? She saw Falk before her eyes. Something rose up in her, resisting in wild, desperate outrage.
“Be mine!” He begged… “Show me you love me…” She saw Mikita’s eyes, the eyes of a madman, seeing nothing.
Oh God, God… Once more, she gathered herself. She wanted to push him away and run, never see him again… never endure this disgust again… but the next moment, she collapsed. A sick sadness came over her. She couldn’t resist… she had to…
“I love you… I’m sick for you…” he stammered like a child. And disgust rose in her. A rancid feeling of disgust, she shuddered—but she couldn’t resist, she had no strength left. She only heard Falk’s voice, saw his eyes… no, she had no strength left… She closed her eyes and let it happen…
“You’ve made me so happy…”
Happiness contorted Mikita’s nervous, gaunt face into a grimace.
But she felt disgust, a choking disgust that pierced every nerve with growing outrage, with a hatred she hadn’t known until now. Yet a mechanical, charming smile played around her mouth.
And again, she let her hand glide over his.
She fought with herself. Everything went black before her eyes with shame and outrage. She struggled to hold back a word she wanted to hurl in his face for so brutally violating her. And the thought of Falk gnawed at her, gnawed. A furious pain tore her head apart…
“Oh, Isa, I’m so happy, so unbelievably happy, today…”
She controlled herself and smiled. But the disgust filled her relentlessly… Everything became disgusting to her, his words, his hand…
But Mikita thought only of his happiness. The woman was his, wholly his. His head grew hot with joy and strength.
She didn’t want to think anymore, but she couldn’t hold back the thought of Falk. The thought pained her, bit her, poured hate and shame into her heart. She breathed heavily. If only he wouldn’t come. Oh God, if only he wouldn’t come…
“Will Falk come to you today?” Mikita looked at her, taken aback. “Who? Falk?”
She gathered herself.
“I’d love for him to see your paintings. He hasn’t seen them yet; he’s the only one who can understand them.”
Mikita breathed a sigh of relief.
“You know, Isa; I’ll write to him now to come right away.”
She flinched.
“No, no, not today.” “Why not?”
“I want to be alone with you today.”
He kissed her hand fervently and looked at her gratefully.
There was something doglike in his submissiveness. She thought of the big dog in her hometown that loved her so much and she could never shake off.
It had grown dark meanwhile.
What right did he have to violate her so brutally… so… no… don’t think, don’t think… But yes—she felt defiled, he had defiled her…
She suddenly felt his hand around her wrist.
She shrank back. His touch was repulsive to her. “Turn on the light!”
Mikita stood up and lit the lamp. Then he fixed his eyes on her intently.
She no longer had the strength to control herself. Everything crashed over her: Falk, Mikita, the disgust… this terrible disgust… Suddenly, there was fear in him, a fear that momentarily paralyzed his mind.
She saw his face twitch, his eyes widen immeasurably.
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